


Disappoint

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Jan Valentine Self Hate Moments, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Being left alone with your thoughts really fucking sucks. Jan knows this better than most.
Relationships: The Doctor/Jan Valentine
Kudos: 1





	Disappoint

Jan didn't really like thinking about things. This was not a secret to anyone. Everyone who spoke with him could tell how little there was going on inside his head. 

It wasn't because he was stupid, though. 

Well, that was part of it, but there was more to it than that.

Whenever he was left alone with his thoughts, they were pretty much always unpleasant. How bad they were tended to vary, it could range from something as small as dwelling on something dumb he'd done earlier in the day, to major shit like memories from his childhood being dragged to the forefront of his mind.

Either way, he wasn't a big fan. Sadly for him, just not thinking about things wasn't as easy as it seemed. Sure, he could tell himself to stop thinking as many times as he liked, but that wouldn't magically make his brain shut off. In fact, it did the opposite. Repeating 'don't think about it' only made him focus even harder on what was distressing him, obviously. He wasn't sure why he ever thought otherwise. You couldn't get rid of something by hyperfocusing on it. Even for someone as simple as him, that seemed like it should've been basic knowledge.

So instead, he usually ended up trying to distract himself. His personal favorite method of distraction was bothering other people. If someone else was around, then he could just pay attention to whatever was going on with them instead of whatever fucked up stuff was going on in his head.

This almost always ended with people getting upset with him. Apparently, interrupting what someone was doing and demanding attention was "annoying" and "disruptive". It certainly didn't help that when he was in such a state of mind, he put less thought into what he did and said. Insults and inappropriate comments that he would normally at least attempt to hold back would flow freely, and he had much less reservations about putting his hands on people. 

Really, it was a wonder he didn't get his ass kicked more often. Was there a rule against Millennium members harming each other? There must have been, otherwise he was sure he'd never come out of these encounters unscathed. 

He didn't care too much about making people mad at him, at least not in the moment. Even if the person he was interacting with was threatening him and wanted him out of their sight, it still achieved his goal. It was hard to worry about whatever was troubling him when he was busy provoking someone.

Of course, there were times when bugging people just wasn't an option. For example, when everyone else in Millennium was sleeping. And sure, he could always wake someone up, but he had no doubts that he could very well get killed for doing such a thing. Or at least there would be an attempt on his life. Being torn from their sleep for no real reason was something he was sure most people here would be willing to resort to violence over. He knew that he'd definitely try to kill a bitch over it.

When he couldn't rely on others, he found that it was really hard to distract himself. Which was dumb, since there was plenty of stuff to do in the Millennium hideout. Like, they had a whole shooting range in this place, which was one of his favorite places to spend his time under normal circumstances. 

Doing any of that by himself rarely did shit, though. It would maybe be helpful for the first few minutes, but after that his mind would just start to wander again, and even he had enough foresight to know that hanging around a bunch of guns while in such a volatile mental state was asking for trouble.

There was also the option of basically forcing his mind to shut down with substances like alcohol. This was the easiest method, but it wasn't one he really liked. Relying on that sort of thing made him feel... gross. It brought back bad memories, which was the last thing he needed on top of everything else. That wasn't to say he never did it, or even regularly avoided it, but he always just ended up feeling worse once he sobered up. So, when he had the presence of mind, he tried to resist the temptation. Easier said than done, old habits died hard, but still.

This left him with basically no options except to just deal with it. Accept whatever his consciousness decided to throw at him. Needless to say, this fucking sucked, but that's just how life was sometimes.

Jan was currently holed up in his room doing just that. The topic his brain was deciding to throw at him today was the whole "everyone in your life actually hates you" routine. He hated this, it was easily one of his least favorite things his mind decided to dwell on. 

Like, childhood trauma sucked. Having to focus on things that happened to him in the past all by himself was awful, but at the end of the day it was in the past. Once he was done panicking over it, it was easy enough to distract himself and move on for a little while.

Thinking about his own personal flaws was also pretty bad. Picking apart all the things he hated about himself, refocusing on past mistakes until he practically drove himself fucking insane. But, again, it was easy enough to distract himself once the means to do so was available.

This topic wasn't like those, though. The people he cared about secretly hating him wasn't something he could just push out of his mind so easily. As was previously mentioned, one of his favorite methods of distraction was bothering other people. But when he was worrying about how others perceived him, bothering people just ended up making him feel bad. Instead of finding their exasperation with him funny, it would just prove to him that his assumptions were right. Of _course_ they hated him, how could they not? All he ever did was cause problems and make their lives harder, and half the time he laughed about it while doing it, how could anyone care about someone like that?

Normally, the person on his mind when he thought about this was Luke. Luke was his brother, and best friend, and also the person with the most reasons to hate him.

He'd known Jan for nearly all his life. He'd pretty much raised Jan, and had to watch him grow into... whatever the fuck he was. 

He'd tried his best to set Jan on the right path, and what did he get for it? Jan had turned out stupid, and obnoxious. Didn't know how to behave himself, or rather he _did_ know and just chose not to. 

With how ashamed he was of himself sometimes, Jan could only imagine the disappointment his brother felt. There were times where he tried to make it up to Luke, act like a normal fucking person for once and not someone who others were embarrassed to be around, but when he did this he always seemed to fuck it up somehow. Acting like a respectable human being was so foreign to him that he couldn't even manage it for a full day.

Right now though, he wasn't thinking about Luke. His mind decided that it was time for a change of pace and made him focus on someone else for a change.

Currently, he was absorbed in thinking about his boyfriend. His amazing angel of a boyfriend.

Okay, Doc was actually kind of awful, morally speaking. Not only was he a mad scientist, conducting horrific and unethical experiments on the regular and creating what most people would consider affronts against god, but on top of that he was also a Nazi. One who was working on plans to start a whole new world war. Or something like that, Jan didn't really bother learning the details. 

Not that any of that mattered, Doc was still so much better than Jan deserved. 

Jan had never met someone before who could make him feel so... safe. He hadn't even realized that "safe" was something a person could actually feel, he'd just assumed it was like a concept or something. He'd never really understood what people meant when they talked about that sort of thing, until now that is. 

When he was around Doc he felt completely relaxed, like nothing bad could happen to him. Like Doc would stop anything that might harm him. 

Which was dumb, he knew. Out of the two of them, he was the powerful and scary vampire who could tear most other creatures to shreds, meanwhile Doc was just a human. If anything, he'd be the one doing the protecting. Still, he couldn't deny how he felt. It might not have been realistic or logical or whatever the fuck else, but that didn't matter. Since when did feelings ever make sense?

It was kind of messed up actually, how just hearing someone's voice or having them close to him was enough to put him at ease. It was like he was domesticated or some shit like that. If it didn't feel so nice, then he might care. Might worry about his pride or whatever. Thankfully, he didn't give a shit about that.

Doc also made him really happy, like ridiculously so sometimes. 

It wasn't as if Doc even did much of anything either, just kind of existing was enough for Jan. Having someone around who not only put up with him, but also sometimes would willingly seek him out and seemed to enjoy his presence? It drove Jan absolutely insane. He'd never really had anyone besides his brother who actually wanted him around, he wasn't sure how to handle it.

When he was really happy or excited, he'd get more chatty than usual. Any thoughts that came to his mind would pour out with little consideration for whether saying them was a good idea. Which... wasn't actually that different from normal, but when he was in a good mood it seemed worse than usual. With less negative shit clouding his mind he'd actually _want_ to share what he was thinking, rather than just not having the presence of mind to stop himself.

The stuff he talked about was usually pretty stupid, and often a little incoherent. Stories about wild shit that happened in the neighborhood he used to live in before joining Millennium, stuff he hadn't even personally been around to experience and hardly had the context for, and had just heard about from other people. Or, observations about what went on around him, which usually resulted in horrid attempts at gossiping about the other Millennium members. Stuff like that, you know.

Doc rarely seemed overly bothered by this. Sure, if he was working on something important then he'd snap at Jan for being distracting, but aside from that he seemed fine with it. Sometimes he'd offer input, usually in the form of poking holes in Jan's stories or telling him to shut up, but there were also times where he seemed genuinely interested. Or at least a little bit entertained.

Other times, Doc would just listen. Probably, it seemed like he was listening anyway. He at least put in the effort of pretending to listen, and that was more than most people bothered doing.

Jan was absolutely ecstatic over this. Which was dumb, it was such a small thing, but still. Who knew that just having someone appear to give a shit when you spoke to them would be so awesome?

This resulted in sort of feedback loop. Jan was happy and so he talked more, Doc listened to him which ended up bringing his mood up even higher, which in turn made him even more talkative.

That wasn't to say he _never_ shut up. If Doc wanted him to be quiet then he could do it, just sit there and look pretty or whatever. It wasn't too bad, in fact it was actually sort of nice sometimes. Just enjoying each others company, or something like that. Of course, he got bored kind of easily, but he usually managed without being too annoying. He liked to think so, at least. 

Doc also almost always tried to make time for Jan, which was probably easier said than done. He was the Major's right hand man, or something like that, and he was also the sole person responsible for creating the vampire army Millennium was going to need. He was a busy guy, had a lot of irons in the fire, but he tried to work around that.

That wasn't to say that he'd neglect his work for Jan, definitely not. If something needed to get done then he'd do it, but he'd let Jan hang around while he was busy and they'd spend the day together like that. Sometimes he'd even let Jan help him out, rarely with anything too delicate or important, but still. It let Jan feel useful, and appreciated, which weren't feelings he was very familiar with but he knew he really liked them.

On one hand, Jan was really grateful to have someone so awesome. He wasn't sure how he managed it, but he'd actually found someone who was willing to deal with his ass, and didn't seem to hate every second of it.

One the other hand, it was really unfair. 

Doc gave him so much. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so cared about and wanted, if he ever had. He couldn't remember ever loving being around someone so much, to the point where just thinking about spending time with them was enough to make him feel warm and fuzzy and excited.

And what did Jan give in return? Nothing, at least that's what it felt like. He couldn't think of a single positive thing he contributed to the relationship. He was needy and clingy, could hardly bear to spend even a few days apart. He was stupid and restless, didn't know how to shut up or stay still or listen, being around him was probably more like looking after a child than anything. He didn't know how to read a room half the time, so he couldn't even tell when people were upset with him without them spelling it out. Or, he'd realize days after the fact, after it was too late to do anything about it.

Actually, there was one good thing Jan felt like he could offer. Only one, and that was sex. He may have been annoying, and bad with emotions, and a manner of other things, but at least he was good at that. He liked to think so, anyway.

So, he would try and get into Doc's pants at any given opportunity. To thank Doc for putting up with him, and to try and distract from his glaring flaws.

This was a great idea in theory, but in practice not so much. Doc didn't seem to like this, if anything he found it more uncomfortable and annoying than the things Jan considered actual problems. Nine times out of ten he'd just end up pushing Jan away, or if he was especially bothered then he'd just ask Jan to leave.

It probably didn't help that Jan didn't tell him the reason why he did this, and just let Doc think he was an insatiably horny bastard. Or maybe that was better? Maybe it would just be weirder if he made his intentions clear? Hell if he knew.

This wasn't good, obviously. If Doc didn't like his one redeeming quality, then what was he supposed to do?

Cut back on that, obviously. Trying to push it would just make Doc stop wanting to be around him at all, and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle that.

He considered maybe talking to Doc about this, and maybe other things as well. Communication was supposed to be important, and if he made how he was feeling known then they could probably figure something out. Doc always seemed happy to help him the few other times he'd accidentally let some detail about his past slip or failed at hiding when he felt like shit.

He quickly discarded this idea. He'd never willingly talked about his emotions before and he wasn't gonna start now. He couldn't imagine Doc wanted anything to do with the tangled mess that was his feelings. Plus, he had no idea where or how he'd even start.

Instead of talking things out and trying to solve his problems, he decided he was going to do what he did best. Distract himself. When he was able, he was going to visit Doc and try and take his mind off all this self doubt shit. They were just gonna spend time together, and Jan would let himself be reminded that Doc did actually care about him. Somehow, despite all the reasons Jan gave him not to, Doc liked having him around.

Just thinking about this was enough to get Jan kind of excited, it was kind of dampened by everything else, but still. He was almost tempted to just say fuck waiting and go bug Doc now. Sure, it probably wasn't a good time, but that never stopped him before.

He decided against this though, experiencing a rare moment of consideration for others. He didn't want Doc to be mad at him, so... he could wait. He'd hate every second of it, but he could do it.

**Author's Note:**

> What's good Archive, today I'm woobifying Jan Valentine yet again  
> I honestly feel like this concept didn't HAVE to be DocJan, like. Jan could hate himself without being in a relationship. But at the same time... I have terminal shipper brainrot. Plus, Jan deserves to have someone willing to help with,,, all that & Luke is probably overworked enough with his own problems, y'know?


End file.
